Hey there! Another blog entry fueled by my emotions :)) pretty emotional ain't I? Well, can't blame me. This has become my outlet since I can't speak my mind here. I'm just Ria anyways, so why would they listen. (emote?) Hmm, back to the story. xD.
This hatred started eversince I was so small (and chubby). I would always ask myself. "Am I such a bad girl? Mommy and daddy always compares me. I know I'm not good enough. Don't they love me at all? Do they love other kids more?" I guess that is what you call self pity (is it with a hyphen or not?). And since I'm still so super childish, I came to apoint wherein I said that I may be just "ampon" (adopted pla un sa english??). So I loved my parents less each and every day.
Then I came to a point when I want to run away from house (not home, this hell have no room for love in it), and when I was grade 2 (i think) when my father was asleep and I was awake around 2 o'clock in the afternoon, I wanted to run the kitchen knife through my heart and die (I'm pretty a lunatic xD) so that the house would have more peace and be happier. But I thought the better of it. I was still afraid to die (or hurt myself rather xD). If Dying was painless I would have gladly taken it, but it wasn't so I ran away from death. I endured three more years of unappreciation.
Then when I was in grade five, by some miracle I had honors. I went on the stage (or something like that, but yeah, I guess you can call it a stage) with medals. Before the ceremony, at home, I lost all will to go up there and get my medal. They seemed pretty unenthusiastic that I finally will receive a medal. I uttered these words out of my pain. "Next year, di na lang ako mag-effort na mag-honor. Di nyo din naman naappreciate eh." My mom heard this and she became angry saying something that go around these lines. "Go ahead, destroy your life, buhay mo naman sisirain mo eh." I was deeply hurt. I even couldn't bring myself to smile for the "family picture" during the ceremony. That night I wish to bury myself alive.
Then when we got home, my father showed my grandmother my worthless medal which was only bronze, my grandmother seemed to not care. That night I was compared with my cousin, them saying that my cousin graduated with a silver medal(salutatorian) and I only got a bronze. I'm worthless I know that.
The next year, I didn't study at all, I went down from top6 to top 21. They called for my parents, reporting about this drastic fall from my ranking. They were angry. But I couldn't care less. Then I decided to change my mind. The next three gradings, I worked to go higher. I graduated as top 11 (I think) or top 12 but only got a merit certificate. When I got home, they said, "Last year my medal ka, ngayon merit LANG nakuha mo." I was so numb so I didn't care. I said "Kahit merit lang yan, mahirap bumawi ng sampung rank pataas. If you dont appreciate it, tapon na yan!" They try to make me believe that they appreciate it, but no way would I believe them.
Then, when I was in first year, I was still trying to adapt to my new "ecosystem" so every grading, when my dad would get my useless report card and would look for my name in the list of "honors and deportment students" and he would fail, he would always say "Anak, yung ibang magulang nakikita yung pangalan ng anak nila na nakapaskil, bakit ikaw wala?" I couldnt answer. I knew I was good-for-nothing so I shut up. I was pitying myself a lot already, I don't need more.
Then, now that I'm a sophomore student, the first two gradings, we don't have top tens nor honors because we lack teachers, therefore, we lack grades. But during the second grading, if it weren't for the lack of envi grade, I would have been in THIRD HONORS list. Then, third grading, I was 90 in envi and only two 87, two 89 and the rest are line of 9. I was listed below, on the bulletin board near the office of the principal, being third honors. And when I showed my father that, he said nothing. I was hurt. I was hurt even more when he said these exact words.
"Nakalista nga pangalan mo dun sa Third honors, eh ang dami nyo naman dun. Ibig sabihin lahat yun third honors?"
I was hurt so much. I lost all willingness to study. The periodical exams have just ended and I even CRIED for God's sake! Just because I was afraid I might fail the exams. I placed a lot of pressure on myself and this is only what I will get? I wanted to erase every single memory in my head. I wanted to forget he was my father, wanted to forget who I was and where I am. I wanted to forget I'm alive.
A few days have passed since the day he told me that. And as I was watching Mulan a while ago, I was shocked. As if the wounds in my young heart were poured with lots of acid, what Mulan's father told her hurts. I envied Mulan. As a girl, she could do nothing right, so when she found a way to prove herself, posing as a man, and going home with the honor from the emperor, her father disregarded the sword and crest, and hugged Mulan saying, "The greatest gift and honour is having you for a daughter."
Those words were enough to heal me, if only I would hear it from them. As a child, I was a failure, being so lazy, a brat and being stupid, I called myself a disgrace to the family and to the whole of universe. But I tried to prove myself, and yet. All I get was NOTHING.
I envied my cousin. He was a nursery student and he graduated eighth place. His parents gave a small celebration to "honour" their son. Then, my aunt told me, "Ikaw Yan, kelan ka magpapakain." followed by many remarks like "Oo nga, third ka tpos wala ka man lang handa eh si Elmo eighth may pakain." I told them all this. "Third LANG naman ako eh. Bkit magpapahanda?" then facing my dad, I said "Di ba daddy? Third LANG? Capital L-A-N-G. Lang."
I won't tell him, because for sure, I would be wrong and he will force it upon me that he is proud of me and he appreciates me, but it doesn't show. And I don't really care anymore. He doesn't tell everyone that I'm third, he tells everyone I'm a flirty girl who had a boyfriend so young and continue being left behind upstairs alone with the guy. Well, I'm a useless, good-for-nothing child am I not?
"Ang galing mong anak, pwede nang ITAPON"
