Celina : absolutefluffiness (fanfiction.net)

i am sorry.. for the portion of your story..
i really only forgot to write it that the story is from you.
i didn't mean to make it appear as though it is mine :(
really..
i am sorry :(

missing you

i feel empty right now
i really miss him
i hope he's okay where he is

hmm..
i'm back to my OLD ways
addiction to HP and CCS
inlove with Syaoran Li
a writer in fanfiction.net
a blogger
a person addicted to music.
and all sorts
i text people again
and i smile again

almost complete
but his absence leaves my insides empty
bare
raw


shiiiit!!

i miss him :((




-- ria :(

1831

he, my life, will be away for 14 days ..
he will go to his far "prvince"
and i will be missing him.
and he will be missing HER.
and it's my fault.
but i'm gonna be fine

i hope he is alright.
i'm wishing for my personal miracle to come true
a second once in a lifetime ..
please.
it's all i ask of.


"if ever..."

this time, i'll love you much better.




-- stuck in the moment.
Ria, 08 Ü

deja vu

just got my computer today, so it was a long time before i got the chance to post again :))

so much happened during those tyms

i lost my love, i lost my mind and heart, i lost my self
and now i'm struggling to do better, to keep a hold on my sanity, on what little is left behind for me..

today, i'm getting flashbacks from a distant past,
a past full of life
an innocent past

i lost myself in the struggle of life, when i gave in to temptations.
and some of the damage is utterly irreversible.
maybe, someda, i can heal this wound.
but not now.
i still need to go find myself, before i can fix anything

so, about a year, since i last had a computer..
and my music is d same,
my chatmates are still the same group of people.
i'm frozen in my own time
and he is gone
moved on, away from me..

my time to move on will soon come

i feel like i'm starting over again..
like the reason i got a computer is to make me realize what i'm missing the most
i cant get my innocence back
but i can try to be innocent again


i hope this time, i will not go astray


Lord, please help me.

:)

"whenever you lost someone and found someone new, dont think he/she filled the emptiness the former created. your heart just grew to make more space for the newcomer. but when you reach your elastic limit, your heart just keep clearing up the filled space till you find your life EMPTY and COLD"

--- ria

the reality.. :)

i've just been bored to death so i tried searching for my past blogs .. to get an idea ..

then i came across this one blog about my dreams and fears

it was dated october ..

while i was reading it, i felt guilt and emptiness
because ...

that blog used to emanate with love
and when i read it before, i have that painful doubt inside my heart
like it would come true
but dreams are the opposite of reality

i dont think i love him any more .. :((
i think it faded away already
or was it lesser love i felt now??
wen he touches me, hugs me, looks at me ..
i no longer melt ..
i no longer feel the tingly feeling running the length of my spine
i no longer feel the same way ..

despairingly true :((
i hope he dont see this :((

i hope i find my heart again :(



--ria

butterfly's death :))

..we were all born a CATTERPILLAR..

introduced to the open world, we are afraid of its vastness.
using all that we can to survive, we didn't care whom we destroy and whom we made weak.
because we were immature.
then, we need to grow, so we undergo change.

..and we became a PUPA, encased in our chrysallis..
afraid to go out, comfortable in our dark, safe harbor.
out of reach from pain.
we were contented with what little piece of beauty we have around us.
we wouldn't grow and be a BUTTERFLY.
until we could learn to leave behind the fear and the contentedness that our chrysallis gave us.

..only then could we become BUTTERFLY..
and see the beauty of the whole world.
no longer afraid
no longer immature
just plain US
true
FREE
only then could we say that "I can stand on my own now."
and only then could we really know what happiness is :)

when we are already beautiful and free butterflies

EXHAUSTED

nakakapagod maging nanay mo..

:(

auko na..
promise
auko na tlga..



Ü ria Ü

overdose!! xD

harhar! aq ay nagbabalik!! :)) akala nyu siguro nagattempt aq n mag suicide through overdose nuh?? tsk tsk. of course! ...NOT! ahaha :)) this is just a title :))

so yeah. why overdose? let us start the real deal now shall we? ;)

They taught us that anything in excess is not good. Excess water causes diarrhea, excess food causes obesity, excess freedom causes lots of troubles, excessive friends leads to more problems, excessive use of drugs causes addiction, excess reading causes destruction of vision.

So as excess pain causes depression, excess happiness causes what they call "spoiled bratt", excess self-pity leads to even a lot more self-pity and a dark outlook in life.

Excess money causes evil, excess faith causes obsession, excessive emotions causes emotional disturbance, excessive problems causes high rates of mental disability.

Excessive intake of salty foods causes "sakit sa bato" while excessive sweets and sugars causes diabetes. Excessive exposure to light causes skin darkening, excessive laziness causes obesity too and of course, much more prone to stress when forced to work. Excess work causes health problems and stress.

Excess love could bring craziness and obsession. Excess kindness causes you to be taken for granted. Excessive maturity makes you look older, excessive childishness leads people to be irritated by you.

Excessive pride causes more problems than you think and will lead you to depression too.

So, what is equilibrium? It is maintaining the balance, as homeostasis is meant for maintaining the internal and external balance of animals, our life should be on equal weights on both sides of the libra :)

what happens if it wasn't balance?

Simple. We won't appreciate the simple beauty of life and the wonderful complexities of the interrelations among different species and non-living things alike. When the balance of our lives is disturbed, we fail to live.

How do we maintain the balance? By a special skill not everyone is capable of doing. By being simple and able to appreciate the small things, like the wind that brush gently against your skin, or the sun that shines on you everyday, or the sun and the moon which contributed to knowing the passing of days, by being able to see extraodinary things beneath the ordinary faces, by being contented with what you have, and by being patient and faithful that the thing you deserve will soon come for you.

It is not really hard. Though sometimes, we find it difficult, especially when we really want something so strongly with which we were deprived of, we can, if we wanted to. Simplicity is not only the key, but its also the door to a happy, carefree life

SPOILER WARNING :)) ahaha

I've ran out of emotions :)) joke .. I ran out of ideas to artistically translate the swirl of emotions I feel. I want a new style :) but styles dont come as easy as getting SMS from fellow clan members :)) so yeah, I'm practically beginning a new writer's block and I still have pending stories, two for fanfiction.net and one for publishing :))

so, uhm? what to talk of?

Oh yeah! Speak of stories. I am currently still starting a new one which I plan to publish before I reach third year :)) So, what is this about? The title is Cancer and it focuses upon three persons, the "bida" or protagonist being Ria, (I found a difficult time in inventing names so I used familiar ones, her bestfriend Aubrey and her boy friend Marc.

The story is pretty tragic, since I love tragedies :)) kidding. I can express myself more on romance and tragedies. That's why I need a new outlook in life, to gain a new writing style, since I'm tired of writing about deaths and love and romance and ...

back to the topic. :)) I get pretty off-track lots of times :D I dunno why. My mind seems to fly away from me :))

So, yeah, the story is tragic but full of love and happiness at the climax :))

Think that's pretty much the spoiler.

The antagonist of my story is the girl's disease, where the story got it's title. Cancer is not only one of the most common causes of death. It also is one that is hard to cure and makes the patient suffer a lot. Cancer can be used in many types of situation to artistically narrate something too. Example, in Dr. Jose Rizal's novels, NOLI and FILI, wherein cancer referred to corruption, phrased as "kanser ng lipunan."

So, again, back to topic :)) I still dont know what to do with this story.. :))

So yeah. That's just about it :)) Ja ne !

http://www.romancequote.com/WhatIDidForLove.htm

just advertising :)) its a pretty nice story :D

unappreciated

Hey there! Another blog entry fueled by my emotions :)) pretty emotional ain't I? Well, can't blame me. This has become my outlet since I can't speak my mind here. I'm just Ria anyways, so why would they listen. (emote?) Hmm, back to the story. xD.

This hatred started eversince I was so small (and chubby). I would always ask myself. "Am I such a bad girl? Mommy and daddy always compares me. I know I'm not good enough. Don't they love me at all? Do they love other kids more?" I guess that is what you call self pity (is it with a hyphen or not?). And since I'm still so super childish, I came to apoint wherein I said that I may be just "ampon" (adopted pla un sa english??). So I loved my parents less each and every day.

Then I came to a point when I want to run away from house (not home, this hell have no room for love in it), and when I was grade 2 (i think) when my father was asleep and I was awake around 2 o'clock in the afternoon, I wanted to run the kitchen knife through my heart and die (I'm pretty a lunatic xD) so that the house would have more peace and be happier. But I thought the better of it. I was still afraid to die (or hurt myself rather xD). If Dying was painless I would have gladly taken it, but it wasn't so I ran away from death. I endured three more years of unappreciation.

Then when I was in grade five, by some miracle I had honors. I went on the stage (or something like that, but yeah, I guess you can call it a stage) with medals. Before the ceremony, at home, I lost all will to go up there and get my medal. They seemed pretty unenthusiastic that I finally will receive a medal. I uttered these words out of my pain. "Next year, di na lang ako mag-effort na mag-honor. Di nyo din naman naappreciate eh." My mom heard this and she became angry saying something that go around these lines. "Go ahead, destroy your life, buhay mo naman sisirain mo eh." I was deeply hurt. I even couldn't bring myself to smile for the "family picture" during the ceremony. That night I wish to bury myself alive.

Then when we got home, my father showed my grandmother my worthless medal which was only bronze, my grandmother seemed to not care. That night I was compared with my cousin, them saying that my cousin graduated with a silver medal(salutatorian) and I only got a bronze. I'm worthless I know that.

The next year, I didn't study at all, I went down from top6 to top 21. They called for my parents, reporting about this drastic fall from my ranking. They were angry. But I couldn't care less. Then I decided to change my mind. The next three gradings, I worked to go higher. I graduated as top 11 (I think) or top 12 but only got a merit certificate. When I got home, they said, "Last year my medal ka, ngayon merit LANG nakuha mo." I was so numb so I didn't care. I said "Kahit merit lang yan, mahirap bumawi ng sampung rank pataas. If you dont appreciate it, tapon na yan!" They try to make me believe that they appreciate it, but no way would I believe them.

Then, when I was in first year, I was still trying to adapt to my new "ecosystem" so every grading, when my dad would get my useless report card and would look for my name in the list of "honors and deportment students" and he would fail, he would always say "Anak, yung ibang magulang nakikita yung pangalan ng anak nila na nakapaskil, bakit ikaw wala?" I couldnt answer. I knew I was good-for-nothing so I shut up. I was pitying myself a lot already, I don't need more.

Then, now that I'm a sophomore student, the first two gradings, we don't have top tens nor honors because we lack teachers, therefore, we lack grades. But during the second grading, if it weren't for the lack of envi grade, I would have been in THIRD HONORS list. Then, third grading, I was 90 in envi and only two 87, two 89 and the rest are line of 9. I was listed below, on the bulletin board near the office of the principal, being third honors. And when I showed my father that, he said nothing. I was hurt. I was hurt even more when he said these exact words.

"Nakalista nga pangalan mo dun sa Third honors, eh ang dami nyo naman dun. Ibig sabihin lahat yun third honors?"

I was hurt so much. I lost all willingness to study. The periodical exams have just ended and I even CRIED for God's sake! Just because I was afraid I might fail the exams. I placed a lot of pressure on myself and this is only what I will get? I wanted to erase every single memory in my head. I wanted to forget he was my father, wanted to forget who I was and where I am. I wanted to forget I'm alive.

A few days have passed since the day he told me that. And as I was watching Mulan a while ago, I was shocked. As if the wounds in my young heart were poured with lots of acid, what Mulan's father told her hurts. I envied Mulan. As a girl, she could do nothing right, so when she found a way to prove herself, posing as a man, and going home with the honor from the emperor, her father disregarded the sword and crest, and hugged Mulan saying, "The greatest gift and honour is having you for a daughter."

Those words were enough to heal me, if only I would hear it from them. As a child, I was a failure, being so lazy, a brat and being stupid, I called myself a disgrace to the family and to the whole of universe. But I tried to prove myself, and yet. All I get was NOTHING.

I envied my cousin. He was a nursery student and he graduated eighth place. His parents gave a small celebration to "honour" their son. Then, my aunt told me, "Ikaw Yan, kelan ka magpapakain." followed by many remarks like "Oo nga, third ka tpos wala ka man lang handa eh si Elmo eighth may pakain." I told them all this. "Third LANG naman ako eh. Bkit magpapahanda?" then facing my dad, I said "Di ba daddy? Third LANG? Capital L-A-N-G. Lang."

I won't tell him, because for sure, I would be wrong and he will force it upon me that he is proud of me and he appreciates me, but it doesn't show. And I don't really care anymore. He doesn't tell everyone that I'm third, he tells everyone I'm a flirty girl who had a boyfriend so young and continue being left behind upstairs alone with the guy. Well, I'm a useless, good-for-nothing child am I not?

"Ang galing mong anak, pwede nang ITAPON"

"iNSECURiTY GUARD xD" ---beaa

Oyea! So here's another story. Actually, I'm not a BITTER type of person. In fact, I'm so ffaarr from being one. I get angry and I get hurt and "nagtatampo" but never the kind who holds her grudge. I easily forgive. And I can forget.

However, if you attack my FRIENDS and LOVED ONES, I become a dragoness (as some would like to playfully put it) or to be more general and simple, a MONSTER. I care less if you tell me things which aren't true. "Siraan mo man ako, alam ko ang totoo." But HANDS OFF drom the ones I care for.

So what in the name of LIMBO am I talking about? :)) Well, this person was "mangga" as I want to keep her/his name private. After all, auko mamahiya :) may puso p naman ako. So mangga really hates me. Reason? Something so "childish" and "worldly". Mangga said I took away something from him/her which wasn't even his/hers. Moreover, that "something" chose me. And I didnt snatch it away, or as she put it "lured IT away" from him/her. So our enmity started there. :)

Oooh. I nearly forgot. Why "mangga"? Simple. A mango looks sweet and tasty and innocent outside, espacially if it is YELLOW (like mangga's *****) but you don't know if the mango really is fully ripe. In some cases, it only looks and smells sweet when you are looking at it, but once you tasted it, it's still sour and sometimes bitter. Like mangga, he/she looks kind and innocent and friendly, but once you got to know him/her, he/she will "bite you back". A FRAUD.

So, back to the story. After a few while, mangga said he/she has forgotten it. "Past is past." was what he/she wanted to say. So I thought everything was back to normal, and that the enmity is gone.

Then after a few months, I would hear from someone that mangga still throws knives at me when I'm not around. So that smile was a fake, he/she is like the snake in the song YUGTO by sir Rico Blanco.

"Sa gitna ng kagubatan may AHAS na hahalik. Tatawagin mong kaibigan na pinakamatalik"

So, I was hurt. Then, a few days after, I've learned that mangga was "attacking" my BOO too. Tsk tsk. Bad mangga! So I sided with my BOO, since mangga have Snow White's Seven Dwarf with him/her. kidding. So, the "war" was fueled again, and my Hershey also sided with Boo. Uhm, what coould I call myself? hmm?? Oh! I know! ENMITY :) so, we are group "BHE" because I just want to call us that way :))

And, the thing I hate the most about mangga is. Why does she always have to find peopl who will take PITY on him/her? Especially when she was wrong? It pisses me off. Go on mangga. Keep on doing things like that. you know the law of KARMA ayt?

That is just about it. I really dont like posts that shows I'm angry so I'm cutting this short. :) BYE!

i dont need you in my life :))

Well, here I go again. I decided to finally post, after such a long period of time without trying to even think of what to write in this stupid blog of mine, since I was a little bit pissed about something.

Will ya listen to my story? Stay if you will. Go if you decided I'm a pretty nonsense, boring, uninteresting terrestrial being. I wont force you. xD

.x0x0x.
















Woah! Your still here? are you sure you really really REALLY wanna read this entry?

You still have a few more seconds to decide:D






.x0x0x.


Ok. I guess you really are interested. So here goes my story. This blog is really about excerpts from a secret diary I kept hidden for over two years now. There was this guy I really liked. Read on to know more.


.x0x0x.

Apr.27,2006

Hi, I'm Ria! An eleven-year-old girl, turning grade 6 in *toot*( the school's name was censored for the privacy and protection of my Alma Mater's name :D ). Its summer vacation today and I needed to siphon a few things off my mind. So, yeah, I daresay I'm inlove. There was this guy, and he was so funny and simple and talented and ... okay. Breathe. I'm kinda crazy about this guy. Eventhough he hasn't got much of the looks and brains, I like him. And I had a crush on him before last school year ended. And now, I think I already do LOVE him. Gosh!

For the past few weeks I can't sleep at night. I feel like there's something, a big portion in my life that I'm missing, like a big, empty hole, cold and stinging was drilled through my heart. A gap wherein only something, or SOMEONE, can fill.

And those nights that I managed to snatch away into dreamland, I would often be interupted by his face. It was kinda maddening at first, not knowing why he was always in my dreams, or nightmares as I first put it, and how come everytime I woke up, I feel so exhausted and spent, as if I've run a thousand miles.

So more days passed, and suddenly, realization hit me.

He was the missing part of my heart. And I want him, BADLY. The moment I have said that to myself, everything clicked in place. And the hole in my heart seemed to burn more. Now that I know what I want, I NEEDED to get it. To have it. To OWN it, or HIM, to put it better.

I was more restless than before. Then, a few days ago, I was utterly bored and daydreaming when he called. I answered the phone, not knowing it was him and then, BOOM! hearing his voice eased my restlessness. We talked a few more hours.

And I can't sleep late at night. He would call me everyday, everynight, and I would be happy.

I wanted to go back to school now! I wanted to see him and be with him always.


.x0x0x.


June 15, 2006

I was so happy! He talked to me! We hang out at the stage! Aww. So "kilig".!

=)


.x0x0x.


August 18, 2006

He texted me, told me he loved me too. I panicked. I went out of control so I texted him and said I loved him too. He asked if I would be his GIRLFRIEND and I accepted! Oh gosh! I'm not ready yet!


.x0x0x.


August 20, 2006

I saw him and he BYPASSED me :( it broke my heart. I thought he LOVES me? I am his girlfriend and he SNOBBED me JUST LIKE THAT!? :(


.x0x0x.


August 21, 2006

err! I don't know why I did it! :(( I guess I might have been out of my mind. But he didn't really LOVE me :(( He was just playing me :(( I hate this life :(( I wanna die.


.x0x0x.


So, that summarized it. I deleted unnecessary things. the longest post was the most important. Well, here is my narration-slash-summary of the story.


.x0x0x.


So I fell inlove. So madly inlove with him. And he said he love me too. Then a few days later, I broke up with him beacuse I've learned that he don't love me at all. A few months later, I saw him flirting with other girls. I was broken. Badly damaged. I played with others' feelings too. To help me forget and to get my revenge. Every man I made cry healed a part of my vengeful heart but I still love him.

It was 1 year and 2 months later when I met someone who made me forget him a bit. And then he came back and I realized more than a year is not enough. I lay low for a bit, since I was broken again and had to heal two wounds of the past. The second wound has healed, mainly because Marc helped me. But the first wound is still healing. Almost there, I can nearly forget that I love you HIM.

I poured the acid to my wound, that pushed me to write this lengthy blog entry. I tried to know if the wound has closed entirely. I guess not yet. I still love him but not enough to make me cry. I was hurt by what you said.

"di ako marunong magrecycle kaya wag ka nang bumalik"

Just a friendly reminder. I've moved on and I proved that already. I dont need ANOTHER YOU in my life :)


.x0x0x.


SO OVER IT

tagged by dianne

so i was tagged by my online friend, Dianne Marbella when i was asking for a few help-slash-idea on what i should write. d*mn that stupid writers block xD. (bad ria) well any ways .. i cant explain the mechanics as well as she did but here it goes :D

1. List down names that people call you since the day you were born. (e.g. nicknames, brandnames, terms of endearment, etc.)
2. Beside each name, list down the people who call you by that name, and how it started and why.
3. Spread the word :))
[[. just for bored .. super bored .. people :D .]]

»Henrianne -- my given name, some calls me this when they do not really know me yet. Some just out of habit.

»Ria -- since my name is so super long (an exxageration made by most of the people who know my name) i came up with this sorta "nickname" .. most of my classmates call me ria :)

»Yanyan-- my given nickname .. :)) my family and some of my super duper close friends lik Aubrey, my boyfriend Marc and though not-so-close friend Mitra (cris) call me by this name. i share common nickname with dianne marbella :D i dumped this before bcoz it sound like yamyam (ung pagkain)

»Anne-- i kill people who call by this name .. derived from henriANNE .. i hate it

»ate NyaNyan-- only my baby cousins call me this .. they cant pronounce the name Yanyan that good :)) i find it funny actually :D

»Mine-- my boyfriend-slash-bestbuddy-slash-brother MARC ELISON L. CAPCO call me this way

»LoveQ-- pronounced as "love ko". Only Marc and Ruslene and sometimes Guia call me this way:D

»Bhe/Bheb-- the "bhebies" (Jasmine, Arbhie, Jazz, Zielle, are the few) and Debbie, and Diana call me this way :) a popular term of endearment that I once used a lot to all my exes xD

»Angel-- Mary Cris, Aljay and Marc call me this. Dunno why, but I swear to GOD in heaven I'm far from an angel, physically and characteristically speaking :D

»Butterfly-- Nikki call me this way :D just out of habit

»Momie Ria-- Jasmine, my baby, and Jazhmine Tuscano call me this way, along with others who just wanted to call me "momie" too :))

»Anak/Bunso/Baby-- my mommy Arianne and mommy Julianne call me this way :)) the reason why it is "bunso" is because, despite the way I look, I'm actually still young :D i looked matured bcause of stress :))

»Hershey-- my hershey, Eirene Joy Chua Victorino, bestfriend-slash-kapatid-slash-pinsan-slash-girlfriend, calls me this way. It's our term of endearment since I love chocolates! (I'm pretty chocoholic) and my favorite is Hershey's Cookies 'n' Cream, this became our "tawagan"

»Boo-- Bea calls me this. she thought it up herself :)) I mean, she said that "un n lng twagan nmin" and so I agreed.

»Ate-- Gelli, and a lot more others call me this way. They say I'm pretty "matured for my age" and that I "give great advices for someone who is younger than the person seeking advice". It kinda makes me feel too old :D

»Choco Kisses-- Jilyn calls me this way. The reason? Its my fave flavor of shake, aside from cookies and cream, double dutch, cappuccino, mocha.... well, the list is quite long :D I call her Mocha(her favorite)

»Pillow-- JC orica call me this sometimes.

»Beshie-- Jessica Ysabel Lacdao calls me this. I invented this up? I dunno which one of us came up with this :)

»HonQ-- Guia Carla Victoria calls me this. :)) boyfriend ko daw xa :)) I dunno why she came up with that:)) poor renei :))

well, cant remember the others anymore :D

ocho.walo.eight

HAPPY

MONTHSARY

MiNE !!

iloveyou..

sana ikw n nga ..
kxo mine, s two months ntin ..
sobrang dming nging hadlang .. :)
at least kinaya ntin :)
iloveyou forever .. :)

_ria_

PERFECT MiSTAKE

lagi n lng b gnito ??
lagi n lng b aq aasa s wala ??
lagi n lng b aq ung mali at msama ??
lagi n lng b aq ang may kslnan??
oo na !
i'm your perfect mistake na nga ee !
dpa b spat un ??
kelangan p ba akong masaktan lalo ??
kelangan p b dgdgan ung burden ko ?
sabhin nyu lng..
i can give myself permanent damage..
just tell me ..
i'll impose that pain on myself ..
you dont need to get ur perfect hands dirty to kill me ..
i will do it myself for you ..
nkkpgod n kxe ..
nkkpgod umasa s wala ..
nkkpgod ung mga promises n hndi nmn natutupad ..
sobrang nkkpagod na..
auko n rin ng may nririnig ako n ako ang may kslanan s pgiging miserable ng isang tao ..
auko n ng may nssktan ako ..
kung tlgang d n ako karapat dapat s punyetang mundo n toh ..
guess i'll leave ..
pro sana wag nmn slow killing dba ??
sbgay ..
i deserve it ..
i'm the devil's daughter dba ??
the PERFECT MISTAKE
the only person who cant do anything right ..
im sick and tired of living this damned life .. !!

_ria_08_

wish i could vanish ..

in this world ..
nothing is fair ..
you bleed, you fall, yet the sympathy remains on the culprit ..
do something right and you turn out wrong
do the wrong and you are still wrong ..
tell the truth and you'll be called a liar,
tell a lie and they believe you
when you are alone and depressed, the people you love leave you
when you want to be alone, they say they have always been there ..
you try to find a place
and that place is taken away from you
you try to fit no where and people start reaching out for you ..
when you need comfort, you find only your hand to hold ..
when you want to be by yourself, people start coming, offering their shoulder for you ..
well, isnt life so ironic ?
you are treated dead and invisible when you are alive and present
and you are sorely missed when you die ..
sometimes i wish i was a corpse, so that i could know that i have a value in life
but what's the use of it ?
why show a person you love him or her when she already died ??

_RiA_

two worlds

hard.. to live two different lives, in two separate worlds.
one where you can be real ..
and one you are forced to live with ..

--iiyah.:)

and the worst part is,
the world and life you are forced to live with is the kind of life your own family imposes on you ..
a kind of life where you cant be free ..
not to express yourself
or to be what you wanted to be :)

the sad part is, you want them to know what you really are
to accept you for who you can be
and to prove yourself
get your own identity ..
one that separates you from the rest
one that distinguishes you from the crowd ..
a "you" that would be special ..

locked up in the depths of this sorrow
underneath the heavy curtain of darkness that fell before me,
blinding me from the truth of life ..

why do you always so protect me?
am i that fragile? that helpless? so defenseless that i need you to shield me from the pain pf truth ?
do you think my small heart cant carry the heavy load?
well i tell you this..
the suffering you inflict upon me is much more heavier than the pain of truth ..

and i want to be a free soul ..
to fly and be me ..
that's why i love to be with my friends ..
where i can act and speak and think the way i wanted ..
the way i am ..
where i dont need to be under control
where precision and idealism doesnt matter ..

where i can be PERFECTLY IMPERFECT
and i can treasure every single bit of the momentary bliss
this freedom that i own when i'm not in your grasp ..

how much i would love to be able to fly freely ..

"dont keep me under the glass if you really want to touch me"

i want to find myself
be what i can be ..
discover the real ME

--ria.08

.bulag.pipi.bingi.

and so, there were three friends, the deaf, the mute, and the blind,
but of this three, the most deprived one is the mute

-iiyah.:)

and the mute was caitlyn, 13 years of age, she had been in a home for the deprived, the deaf, the mute, the blind, and the retarded, the elders, and the autistic, for already 5 years. when her parents died when she was eight, sh elost all the will to speak. for the past five years, she had been healing the wounds of her past. and with the help of her new found best friends, joanna and richelle, she was able to live a normal life.

joanna was the eldest among the three, and she have stayed here the longest. she was fifteen and beautiful, except she was unable to appreciate the beauty of nature. she was born blind and her parents disowned her. she went in this home with the help of a stranger who almost run on her on the street (muntik masagasaan). she had been staying here for 8 years.

richelle, meanwhile, was deaf and had been here a year after joanna was taken in. she ran away from her wicked step fathers grasp who almost destroyed her life. as to how or why she became deaf, nobody knew. not even her. she is thirteen, like caitlyn, but was a few months older.

and so, these three girls was able to get along well. they found comfort and love in each other and together, they were slowly able to remove the pain of one another. they were like sisters, unseparable, united. they loved each other.

one day, a rich man came to the shelter. he was a diagnosed patient of brain cancer has only one more year left to live. he chose this shelter to be able to do some good before he passed on to the next life.

he was looking around the shelter for people who would touch his heart. that was when he saw the three girls laughing so innocently on a bench under a maple tree. the purity and sincerity in their faces warmed him. but the most touching face he saw was that of the green-eyed girl whose long, black, flowing hair fell limply around her oval face.

something about the sadness in this girl made him pick the three as his "beneficiary". the resident nurse who took regular care of them talked to them.

first was richelle, she was deaf, no parents, and nowhere to go except this shelter, no family except her friends. the rich man asked her, "would you want to be healed?" richelle looked puzzled, unable to hear. the nurse translated it in sign language for her. after she understood, a new kind of light lit up her face. she nodded eagerly and she was healed. but the noise around her was scary, so loud, so unpleasant that she wanted to bring back the peace of her deaf world.

next was joanna. she agreed to be healed and when she was able to see, the horror of the image that struck her brought her to a near breakdown. she wished her oblivion back.

and lastly, caitlyn's turn came. before she was asked, the rich man told her, "you have seen how horrified your friends were when they were healed, would you be ready for that horror too ?"

caitlyn looked at the man and smiled serenely.
she got a piece of paper and a ballpen and wrote:

if only i could summon the energy to speak up and tell what's on my mind right now, i would be the happiest person.
i was neither deaf nor blind, and so, i saw the imperfections of this horrible world, and i was not able to say a thing about it.
i was deprived of the opportunity to sing, to orate, and to laugh, to shout when i'm angry, to scream when i'm afraid and to gasp when i'm surprised.
i couldn't even tell my friends how much i love them nor how thankful i am to have them.
a world where you are unable to say what you feel and to speak out what is in your mind is more scarier.
more painful ..
i would be glad to exchange my eyes and ears just to be able to speak.
oblivion is better than this

the rich man read and was touched. that was the only time he realized how important it is to speak out and tell the truth. caitlyn was healed and the rich man died a few months after, a house and a promise of education to the three girls who taught him something was left in his will.

and caitlyn was healed, physically and emotionally, having been able to finally say everything that bothered her. the shock of losing her parents and not being able to speak out about her grief made a severe damage to her. and having her voice back was a great relief.

as for joanna and richelle, acceptance had made them more comfortable with the new truth. the truth that the world we live in can only be less painful thru oblivion -- something we can NEVER achieve.

_ria_08

note: i wish to be able to say what's on my mind. and i wish you would realize that the truth hurts .. this worl isn't your own personal paradise. you cant always get what you want.

depressant :))

"wasted" away.. under coma :))

--iiyah.xD o8

yOu are like a drug to me ..
addictive..
hard to endure ..
painful to withdraw from ..

i can say that i was already psychologically and physically dependent to you ..
but my tolerance of you ..
does it even exist ?
i dunno .. but i dont demand more and more of your dosage ..
not even my immunity to you ..
its like ..
you were specially made for me ..
and my body refuses to be immune to you despite the time ..
and until now,
i still cant get enough of you ..
still unable to accept the fact that this is real
that you love me
and that i was the lucky girl you chose :)

but do i deserve you ?
coz i feel like i did nothing but hurt you ..
i know its foolish
since i was the first who loved you ..
and i was the one who was head over heels :))
i left you .. soo many times ..
and i feel stupid coz of dat ..

iloveyou

ice cold .. intoxicated. meee :))

coz i was born to tell you i love you ..

"Whew! Glad that was over!" I whispered in a low voice to my bestfriend, Aubrey. I'm Ria by the way! A sophomore student of Pasig City Science High School. Aubrey and I both belong to class Franklin, with my [ex]boyfriend
Marc Elison. Last week was quite a distressing one, for a few reasons. First was, Marc and I broke up last Sunday, a very heartbreaking experience, yet again, for both of us. Second was that, there was this issue since last Friday that wasn't resolved and needs clearing so our parents were called, not that it was horrible but still, very stressing. Third was the cramming of steps for our practicum in MAPEH which included running very late to a mall just to buy arnis. Fourth was the amounting pile of chapter tests. And lastly, the unescapable week of exams is coming. It's actually this coming Monday already.

Could you blame me for being glad everything was over? Guess not :))

So let's start my story that Monday morning, after the stupid phone call last Sunday and an endless night filled with tears and hurts and pain and ... :)) I dunno what more I could add. To make the story short, a HORRIBLE night. So Monday was practically scary for me because I don't know what to expect. Will Marc be angry? Will I cry in front of him? Will I break down if I see him? Will HE break down when he see me? Will he avoid me? And the greatest question was, could I hold back the pain that would threaten to show later on if I see him?

Pretty stressing, isn't it? Told you so. But I think I'm a better than actress than you could give me credit for. I was pretty much early since we held flag ceremonies during Mondays and he wasn't there yet. Good. I thought. More time to prepare for the unknown. Aubrey arrived before he did so I had company. Then I saw him coming, and he acted as if I wasn't there. A clear indication he was avoiding me. A dose of pain shot through me, flowing in my veins, fed to every living cell in my body. Intoxicating ME. So I numbed myself with more pain, preparing for the worst. Then I approached him and hugged him. I couldn't help myself. I forced in a convincing smile and told him to smile. I saw tears well up in his eyes.

"Paano ako magsmile kung wala ka na?" he told me, tears starting to fall. Ouch. I thought. That hurt. :( I counted to three, quickly composing myself before talking again, afraid my voice might defy me and show some of the pain that threatens to breakthrough. "Please try." was all I could reply. Thhat's when I noticed his fist, bruised. Another emotion numbed me. GUILT so strong it could make anyone fall to pieces and call themselves a demon. But I fought it. I can't make things anymore worse than it already is.

So we moved on. Upstairs, in our classroom, he could no longer help it. He cried, and I, unable to pull myself away from him especially when his like this, stayed by his side. He continued crying till recess and when I could no longer catch every overflowing particle of pain and guilt, I cried. Bea asked me why and I told her. Still wasn't enough. It still didn't ebb away, haven't even scratched the surface. It was like it hardened and turned into ice. Turned me into ice would be more appropriate. Guess it can't be helped.

So I was even more intoxicated by this self-deteriorating pain, burning my insides eating me alive. Wish I would just die tonight was all I could think of. Maybe that would make things easier for him. Maybe he would be able accept it more easier, forget me faster. Maybe it would make everything better. I mused, and thought of all the possibilities, the melodramas, the upside and downside of everything. I even considered killing myself that night, tried it even. But I couldn't. I saw his pained face, and crying because I'm no longer with him. What would he do if I was gone forever? I was scared. I couldn't bring it upon myself anymore.

That night another heavy burden laid itself upon me. How was I gonna tell my parents that they were supposed to meet the prefect at Wednesday. Another heavy and sleepless night, full of agony and crying, again. It has become some kind of a routine since Sunday. And I grew restless still. The hours stretched longer as I trashed in my bed, trying to wash away the pain with my tears til I could cry no more. With every minute I stayed longer I grew more intoxicated with this agony.

The sun shone and I was on my way to school on a Tuesday morning. It was the same as yesterday, he wasn't there yet. And the afternoon wore on longer since this time, we barely had contact, though I asked a few people to approach him and talk, he denied all but Justine. He told her everything and Justine understood me. I spent the whole day with Aubrey. I didn't have a hard time trying to conceal my pain anymore. I was already too accustomed to it that it was as natural as breathing with two of your ribs broken, painful and hard.

Life goes on I convinced myself. But I can't I could see how much damage I've caused him. He even neglected his studies.

"Alam mo ba ate, sabi nya pa sa kin, 'Anu pang saysay ng pag-aaral ko, eh wala na naman sya?' talagang ngayon lang namin sya nakitang ganito." Gelli told me. More boiling water froze and turned to ice. I couldn't help myself. I was plainly vulnerable without my shield.

I needed him too much.

i dont wanna leave you, babe it tears me up INSIDE

I was torn to do what I have to and to do what I think is right. I dont want to be selfish. Not when it's HIM I'm talking about about. So I was willing, more than willing, to mutate my heart and fry the neurons of my brain. I was also willing to go crazy thinking nonstop and willing to collapse because I wasn't eating anything and I am also not sleeping. I could give him every single bit of my dying self. But not what we both wanted. For the better, I think we shouldn't be together.

I wanted to drown that night when I took a shower. I stayed in there from 11 o'clock till one in the morning, not making much noise so as not to wake anybody. It was kinda relaxing, the torture of the cold wind on your damp skin and hair. Very soothing to a person who's insides are burning and writhing in agony.

I didn't get enough sleep. Just half an hour. But I felt as if I've slept for quite some time. I was conditioning myself again to be sweet and like before, loving. We have to put up an act. So that our own parents would be oblivious to the fact that we both are not fine. That morning was both blessed and wretched. I loved to stay in his arms, stand close to him, talk to him. But I was scared that I won't be able to control myself enough to let go if I have to. And I was right. I succumbed to my poor heart's desire.

Wednesday, we are together again. Not that I regret it. I was happy. But I know he's still hurting. So was I. But I couldn't resist it.

The next day was our practicum, full of chapter tests. I was able to act naturally enough. But I was still intoxicated by the agonizing pain in my heart. I was still numb. Till Friday I was like that.

Then Aubrey, she made me feel somehow. I was kinda glad I was still numb because if I wasn't, I would have cried the whole day. I was afraid of losing her. I cried for two hours and a half. When I pulled myself together, I was able to put on a show yet again. Man, I was glad the week is over.

Until now, I could still feel Marc's pain. Until now, I'm still intoxicated. My heart is still ice cold and unfeeling. But I know inside I love him. More than anything else.

He was the life and soul of my world. When I left him, my world turned to pieces. Now we are trying to rebuild it. Make it stronger. BETTER

Life goes on ..