EMPTINESS

There is this weird feeling of emptiness within me. I feel like I am changing again, and this time, the changes hurts. The pain is just taking so long before I feel it.

Something feels off about me, and my life. There is this void I try to cover butg keeps popping up. I have felt this before, and I dont remember exactly when, but I know that it won't bring any good.

Crazy? Maybe. But this one is real, not just some drama. I want to scream. I want to get this nullifying feeling off my chest. I want to drive away these blank thoughts disturbing my mind.

Argh. This is so frustrating.

I kept it short, or else I will literally scream my head off.

Which HELL to choose.

I was watching Reborn when this phrase came up:

Which hell to choose.

And I thought to my self, right now, in my current state, which one would I choose? Being free but having to face the constant degrading words that the first devil say, or have my freedom, my happiness and everything I have ever known and lived for be taken away from me by the latter devil.

If I were a loowed to choose a third option, I wouldnot have chosen them both, I would have escaped.

But time is short, and I am not prepared for this escape, and even if I was, I couldn't, because it isn't the right time.

So, as the boss of my life, it is no longer a matter of when or how to survive when I escape. It is how long you endure, and which hell you could endure more. Sometimes, life is not just yes or no, but both situations calls for a NO, but you have to choose which one hurts less. In this case, I would be free to choose the FORMER.

However, the second demon is much too powerful, I lack the courage to resist yet.
For now the sea is calm, but once the storm cam in, I know I will be carried by the tides. I just hope, in the short time I am given before the storm comes in, I will be able to gather enough strength and current to SWIM AGAINST THE TIDES.

Either way, whatever I choose, it still is hell. :)

I never realized that the phrase Hell is other people has a bit of irony to it, because these people aren't really OTHERS.

The beggining

My world starts to fall into a deeper chaos than before.

It is no longer a simple selfish wish of having a whole life, a happy life. It is already trying to be fair to two peopl who take control to half of your life, no, one of your two polar lifes.

Fire and Ice never make a good pair, that is because they are seperated by their pride in each other.

Sometimes the battle between them could tower over whoever stands between them. In this case, me.

I am fifteen. And I don't know how long I could endure or how far I could manage. Having to manage two different lives, and being fair. It sometimes kills me thinking of how to compromise. And whatever decision I make, I am torn. Maybe because, my life is torn. And I have to make do with this two parts of my once whole and happy life. I have to treat both halves as if they were complete. But I am one person with one heart. How the hell do I manage to live in two different lives?

Imagine being at two places at once. One is in the dark and the other is flooded with light. What you can do in the dark, you can not do in the light. However, they are one and the same. They both blind your eyes.

I cannot move forward in my cirrent state. I don't even know where forward is. I just blindly move and keep my hands outstretched in case I bumped into something. However, there is none I can do if I trip.

It is like being tossed and turned around in a wave. I am so suffocated.

I can barely breathe.

It is like having to live without lungs. You are hollow. You are incomplete. And every moment is a pain.

Words this dark are not enough to paint how dark I feel.

However, I am holding on to that one source of light left in this trashy life I have. My self.