coz i was born to tell you i love you ..
"Whew! Glad that was over!" I whispered in a low voice to my bestfriend, Aubrey. I'm Ria by the way! A sophomore student of Pasig City Science High School. Aubrey and I both belong to class Franklin, with my i dont wanna leave you, babe it tears me up INSIDE[ex]boyfriend
Marc Elison. Last week was quite a distressing one, for a few reasons. First was, Marc and I broke up last Sunday, a very heartbreaking experience, yet again, for both of us. Second was that, there was this issue since last Friday that wasn't resolved and needs clearing so our parents were called, not that it was horrible but still, very stressing. Third was the cramming of steps for our practicum in MAPEH which included running very late to a mall just to buy arnis. Fourth was the amounting pile of chapter tests. And lastly, the unescapable week of exams is coming. It's actually this coming Monday already.
Could you blame me for being glad everything was over? Guess not :))
So let's start my story that Monday morning, after the stupid phone call last Sunday and an endless night filled with tears and hurts and pain and ... :)) I dunno what more I could add. To make the story short, a HORRIBLE night. So Monday was practically scary for me because I don't know what to expect. Will Marc be angry? Will I cry in front of him? Will I break down if I see him? Will HE break down when he see me? Will he avoid me? And the greatest question was, could I hold back the pain that would threaten to show later on if I see him?
Pretty stressing, isn't it? Told you so. But I think I'm a better than actress than you could give me credit for. I was pretty much early since we held flag ceremonies during Mondays and he wasn't there yet. Good. I thought. More time to prepare for the unknown. Aubrey arrived before he did so I had company. Then I saw him coming, and he acted as if I wasn't there. A clear indication he was avoiding me. A dose of pain shot through me, flowing in my veins, fed to every living cell in my body. Intoxicating ME. So I numbed myself with more pain, preparing for the worst. Then I approached him and hugged him. I couldn't help myself. I forced in a convincing smile and told him to smile. I saw tears well up in his eyes.
"Paano ako magsmile kung wala ka na?" he told me, tears starting to fall. Ouch. I thought. That hurt. :( I counted to three, quickly composing myself before talking again, afraid my voice might defy me and show some of the pain that threatens to breakthrough. "Please try." was all I could reply. Thhat's when I noticed his fist, bruised. Another emotion numbed me. GUILT so strong it could make anyone fall to pieces and call themselves a demon. But I fought it. I can't make things anymore worse than it already is.
So we moved on. Upstairs, in our classroom, he could no longer help it. He cried, and I, unable to pull myself away from him especially when his like this, stayed by his side. He continued crying till recess and when I could no longer catch every overflowing particle of pain and guilt, I cried. Bea asked me why and I told her. Still wasn't enough. It still didn't ebb away, haven't even scratched the surface. It was like it hardened and turned into ice. Turned me into ice would be more appropriate. Guess it can't be helped.
So I was even more intoxicated by this self-deteriorating pain, burning my insides eating me alive. Wish I would just die tonight was all I could think of. Maybe that would make things easier for him. Maybe he would be able accept it more easier, forget me faster. Maybe it would make everything better. I mused, and thought of all the possibilities, the melodramas, the upside and downside of everything. I even considered killing myself that night, tried it even. But I couldn't. I saw his pained face, and crying because I'm no longer with him. What would he do if I was gone forever? I was scared. I couldn't bring it upon myself anymore.
That night another heavy burden laid itself upon me. How was I gonna tell my parents that they were supposed to meet the prefect at Wednesday. Another heavy and sleepless night, full of agony and crying, again. It has become some kind of a routine since Sunday. And I grew restless still. The hours stretched longer as I trashed in my bed, trying to wash away the pain with my tears til I could cry no more. With every minute I stayed longer I grew more intoxicated with this agony.
The sun shone and I was on my way to school on a Tuesday morning. It was the same as yesterday, he wasn't there yet. And the afternoon wore on longer since this time, we barely had contact, though I asked a few people to approach him and talk, he denied all but Justine. He told her everything and Justine understood me. I spent the whole day with Aubrey. I didn't have a hard time trying to conceal my pain anymore. I was already too accustomed to it that it was as natural as breathing with two of your ribs broken, painful and hard.
Life goes on I convinced myself. But I can't I could see how much damage I've caused him. He even neglected his studies.
"Alam mo ba ate, sabi nya pa sa kin, 'Anu pang saysay ng pag-aaral ko, eh wala na naman sya?' talagang ngayon lang namin sya nakitang ganito." Gelli told me. More boiling water froze and turned to ice. I couldn't help myself. I was plainly vulnerable without my shield.
I needed him too much.
I was torn to do what I have to and to do what I think is right. I dont want to be selfish. Not when it's HIM I'm talking about about. So I was willing, more than willing, to mutate my heart and fry the neurons of my brain. I was also willing to go crazy thinking nonstop and willing to collapse because I wasn't eating anything and I am also not sleeping. I could give him every single bit of my dying self. But not what we both wanted. For the better, I think we shouldn't be together.
I wanted to drown that night when I took a shower. I stayed in there from 11 o'clock till one in the morning, not making much noise so as not to wake anybody. It was kinda relaxing, the torture of the cold wind on your damp skin and hair. Very soothing to a person who's insides are burning and writhing in agony.
I didn't get enough sleep. Just half an hour. But I felt as if I've slept for quite some time. I was conditioning myself again to be sweet and like before, loving. We have to put up an act. So that our own parents would be oblivious to the fact that we both are not fine. That morning was both blessed and wretched. I loved to stay in his arms, stand close to him, talk to him. But I was scared that I won't be able to control myself enough to let go if I have to. And I was right. I succumbed to my poor heart's desire.
Wednesday, we are together again. Not that I regret it. I was happy. But I know he's still hurting. So was I. But I couldn't resist it.
The next day was our practicum, full of chapter tests. I was able to act naturally enough. But I was still intoxicated by the agonizing pain in my heart. I was still numb. Till Friday I was like that.
Then Aubrey, she made me feel somehow. I was kinda glad I was still numb because if I wasn't, I would have cried the whole day. I was afraid of losing her. I cried for two hours and a half. When I pulled myself together, I was able to put on a show yet again. Man, I was glad the week is over.
Until now, I could still feel Marc's pain. Until now, I'm still intoxicated. My heart is still ice cold and unfeeling. But I know inside I love him. More than anything else.
He was the life and soul of my world. When I left him, my world turned to pieces. Now we are trying to rebuild it. Make it stronger. BETTER
