even just for a few moments ..
it's amazing how everyone is willing to pay such a high price
just for momentary bliss
and the most wonderful thing is ..
how come people suffer a lot more pain than they experience happy, carefree moments
"it will be as if i never existed"
what such painful words
just reading them hurts me enough
how much more if it was said to me??
would i have died of shock and sadness right then and there ?
maybe
i hate to imagine
but somehow, it seems too vivid .. too possible it's kinda scary
i dont ever want that
this painful gap in my chest
like a hole was drilled through my heart seemed to cripple me
i wanted to run away from the truth
run back to my fake world--my fantasies
the only natural thing that kept me alive for the past thirteen years of my life ..
only, it wouldn't be that easy
you see, one of the wonderful things HE did to me
was that HE made me want to live by reality more than i live by my fantasies
HE made me a real person
and that destroyed my perfect, made-up world
at first it was great
the freedom of being able to face the real world without the fear of being swallowed by misery was ADDICTIVE
like i found my personal drug
one that keeps my blood running despite the fact that my stubborn heart stopped beating
and now,
now that HE made me want to shrink back to my usual old self
i find it hard
i was, utterly, undeniably CHANGED
and in a good term too
except
i left my fragile heart unguarded
coz i was too confident he would never break it
only hell knows this burning feeling in the pit of my stomach
pain that seemed to eat me inside out
clawing at my heart
tearing me apart.
"i was shocked to find out i didn't crumble to pieces"
"i was damaged beyond repair"
and it was kinda foolish for me to think that even once in my life
i would experience a perfect, never-ending happiness in my damned life
only, i was wrong ..
much too wrong ..
and to my dismay
eventhough i was busy trying to keep myself alive from the crowd that stampeded in that place
even as i tried to distract myself from the "wonderful" scenery of poverty and pollution
even as i pondered on the wonders of nature..
everywhere i looked still shouts his name..and it BREAKS me apart
i dont know how long i could hold back the pain
but i will try to handle this alone
