...
dreaming .. i was only dreaming
i kept saying this over and over again to myself
it has been a tough night last night
i was trashing around, as if my bedcovers and pillows are gonna eat me alive
and i woke up to find myself sweating and pale
the moon was full and bright, yet gloomy.
like how i feel.
i couldn't understand why somehow,
eventhough i've had what i wanted, i still feel..EMPTY
like something's wrong
something missing
what the hell is wrong?!
i kept asking myself
i'm like a person going crazy
one moment happy,
next moment i would feel an unexplainable pain, as if squeezing my heart out
like my heart was being crushed by a force
something you call "pain"
i'm no stranger to that ..
in fact, i was born with pain right by my side
but this pain is different
an uncarable, unexplainable pain
i'm hurting without clear reason
the hell is wrong ?!
i guess i'm afraid
petrified
scared to lose what little happiness i have
i guess the idea of perfection scared me
it seemed too perfect to be real
and yet, i wanna believe it so much
like my life depended on it ..
"Do you really think he loves you?"
-- my cousin told me
i nodded, smiling
i was so sure of my answer ..
till she replied with a grave voice:
"just be careful, coz it may come to a point that you will realize,
he never did love you,
he just took pity on you that's why he's doing this
and that would hurt more."
i stopped walking and thought about what she said
suddenly questions and situations came rushing up to me ..
what if what she said is true?
what if he will confess that he never loved me at all when the time comes that i loved him so much already?
what if he was just using me to forget the one he loves?
what if..
what if..? :(
i never noticed the car honking behind me..
i stood in the middle of the street thinking of all the things that might happen or the way i would feel if it would happen
luckily, my cousin had more sense to pull me aside and go home
that night, i couldn't sleep
i was scared
i know, if that happens,
i couldn't think of living another day ..
talk about exxagerating
but honestly,
kidding aside
i would definitely be crushed if that would be true
and i swear,
my heart would just stop beating from the shock if it happens
i just love him waaaaaaay too much
i slept that night having horrible nightmares
one that included me begging him to never leave me
another that included the two of us walking in the rain, and him telling me over and over again that he is sorry, that he tried, but he couldnt, that he was useless..
but the dream that scared me most was this ..
he told me to meet him at a mall
and we spent the whole day there
eating, ice skating, playing arcade games and the likes
then, at the cinema
i forgot the movie we were watching
but the soundtrack that time was .. sad
he was sitting beside me ..
then he looked at me
held my hand and whispered something to my ear
Ria, i'm so sorry. i still love her. i tried to forget her, and tried to love you. i'm sorry. isipin muh na wala akong kwentang tao, pero i tried to .. tinry ko na mahalin ka. pero sya p rin tlga.
he was crying that time
he hugged me.
and i couldn't help but melt under his hug
i couldn't be angry
yet i felt the pain
the immeasurable pain in my chest.
tandaan mo, hndi ka walang kwentang lalaki. kasi, you tried everything, its just that, i'm not the one meant for you. naiintindihan ko. mahal na mahal pa rin kita. ayos lng s kin un. promise.
i said with all my might trying not to cry.
i smiled and kissed him on the cheek
thanks for this wonderful moment of my life
with that i ran out of the cinema, no longer able to hold back my tears
i was so sure that he tried to follow me, yet i continued running.
i went out of the mall and run in the rain.
it was stormy that night in my dream..
i continued running, not really seeing where i am being led to by my feet
all i wanna do is to get away from him as much as possible
i was so damned hurt
i love him a lot
and yet
"panakip butas lang pala ako"
yet
i cant get mad
i cant hate him
because i know, deep inside
that i really, really love him..
when i finally stopped running,
i found myself in the middle of a forest.
the trees surrounding me were so huge that not even the rain reached me
i realized i was soaking wet
the roaring of the wind seemed to stop
or was i just deaf?
no, it was as if the volume was turned down
then, suddenly
out of nowhere
SHE appeared before me
the girl he
and she smiled at me wickedly
how much i loathed her
i won .. he was really meant for me.
she told me in her cold, cruel voice
i was shaking with rage
yah, he loved her .. but to say that as if HE was her PROPERTY ..
it makes my blood boil ..
then, he appeared
the one i love
and he seemed to not see me ..
as if i was not there
invisible
"#0&&!n ?"
he said.
he was approaching her
closer..
he stopped within one foot away from her
the girl smiled
"131183,.."
she said with a fake honey-sweet voice
very opposite to the tone she used with me
i wanted to shout, scream at him
that i was there
but i lost all will to speak
my vocal chords wont coordinate with my mind
then, the thing i feared to happen started again
"iloveyou"
the boy i love told the girl.
and he approached her,
closer
their lips were only an inch apart
then it met
they were locked in that kiss
it didn't last long but it seemed like eternity to me
i knew i would go crazy
i ran away
seeing the things again and again in my mind
and i awoke
with tears in my eyes
it was still 4am by then
i looked at my cp
and suddenly, my mom called
the ring tone changed
as if mocking me
"four in the morning" by gwen steffani
i answered the phone call
my mom hung up
maybe she dialed my number by mistake
then i saw his last message to me
i cried till i fell asleep by 6:30 am
and i woke up again by 9am
that was when i opened my pc to talk to him
and all doubts seemed to vanish for a moment
but it still lie here
within my heart
dormant
sleeping
i hope that it wont ever happen ..
RiA :)
